i would keep doing this for a long time, convinced that there was something extremely important about it, devoting various hours a day to the "project" (though i didn't tell anybody about it), writing hundreds of songs for an online music battling website. there was a whole range of characters i remember, there were other characters, like anime girl benjamin britten and anime girl karol szymanowski which were based around lolicon tendencies that i had picked up in my youth/exacerbated by hentai etc use. a lot of things had come to head around 2015 (which maybe increased all of these former tendencies) when i played the indie game "undertale" and had this strange and catastrophically protracted mental break down - i had seen that there was a man who "was speaking about the importance of moral truths, who had lit the world on fire completely unignorably and for an extended, possibly even eternal period of time by a very humble means (a gamemaker game), who had moved my heart in a very mysterious and hard to understand way, and who most importantly, had actually dwelled completely unknown among friends that i had knew, who had known him personally for several years up until then. ... so, the thought that he had become a celebrity and i hadn't had upset me quite a lot, since at the time i was a weird person posting a lot who had a "cult following", who was "going to make it big on being the composer for a burrito galaxy", an indie game that has been in development for about 10 years, and which still haunts my dreams with its strange beauty sometimes. - but with toby, i thought i had actually met somebody that was "divine" - it was only later after reading the scriptures that i realised how deeply his life seemed to be meshed as an imitation of biblical prophecies - like christ, he went unknown for about 20-30 years in his hometown (which i "lived in" so to speak, since my immediate friends were immediate friends with him, from multiple different circles), until he immediately set off on his life's work - like david, he was also a "musician king" from "humble beginnings", and overcame people much larger than him with relatively nothing (like david felling goliath with the slingshot) - he also seemed to be, and maybe this was a delusion in my mind, but partly due to his sometimes brusque replies to people (again, like christ) - "entirely benevolent but with a complete hatred of sin", so that after emailing him about a project for a music compilation i was working on in 2018 (he did submit a song), i had the strange awakening from inside that he was actually capable of judging my internal thoughts and misdeeds, particularly related to sexual deviances, causing me to hijack the conversation and obsessively email him thousands of times detailing every single problem i had ever experienced in my life - ... uh, after about two years of this, he calmly explained to me that i was probably bipolar and stopped communicating with me (particularly after i had confessed some of the darker sides of myself) - i would frequently at this point have dreams where toby fox was in my dreams, holding me by the shoulders, and as i was crying, he would for some reason look me lovingly in the eyes and cry for me more sorrowfully than i was crying for myself - other dreams involved a "workshop" where he was "working on future chapters of deltarune" where he would only let me come in and see, almost like i was a bride being invited to a bridegroom's special banquet. in other dreams, toby fox was giving lectures to people around him who had come to hear him speak about his videogame, but i had been chosen to hear the meanings of the secret injokes that he had put in the games. in one dream, he actually disappeared one day - and i had to shepherd all the people who were there to hear him speak about deltarune by giving them the meanings of what "asriel dreemurr" etc meant -
... this went through my mind, i think, for hours a day, between the years of 2016 and 2021, without a day's break. i frequently had many anger fits where i would constantly get upset at him in my head, threaten to kill myself, etc, imagining characters from the lolicon/transgender hentai i had become engaged with as "a grand and holy blood sacrifice that served as the nexus of a universal mind control church that would convert everyone to the lolicon/transgender hentai blood sacrifice world cult" etc -
... this all constantly went through my head, although i had no actual instruction in christianity - i had not read the bible, i had not even really properly read the old testament. so it felt as though all of the instincts i had for the truth, the actual catholic truth were somehow being "filtered through" a sort of sinful filtration system that made it nightmarish but seemingly indispensable to my whole identity ... eventually many things did catch up with me and i got "called out", lost my indie game music job, etc - started actually reading the gospel to cope - realised that christ actually had gone through all this with his friends leaving him to die, even the ones who were the most seemingly loyal to him etc - and more than that, i felt that i had let him down too - because he felt like myself when i was very young - i remember being moved that the son "was with the father from all eternity", and many things in my life, i remember the happiness i felt when i was around two years old with my father, before i had went to school, learning about bugs and stuff he had bought in books in a charity shop etc, a place which in my mind had long felt as though it had happened since "before the beginning of time".
i guess there was a lot of things i wrote there. but i am probably the very opposite of "practicing christianity and